Congratulations, you have mastered the art of courtship and
are now in a relationship with a female! The only problem is that your buddy is
still single and it pains you to see him struggle with the basics of courtship
even after reading “The Art of Courtship” (See post on July 29, 2014). Since
you are a good friend, and because you can’t bear to hear him say, “Baby, I’m so
hot, you can’t help but play it cool,” one more time, you decide to become his
wingman.
Having successfully navigated the waters of courtship
yourself, you are probably confident, even arrogant, with regards to your
courtship skills. You probably think that being a wingman will be easy because
all you have to do is find your friend a suitable female and then nudge them
down the road of courtship. Sure, igniting the fire of romance is certainly a
large duty for any wingman. However, what most wingmen forget is that the whole
reason why your friend needs you is because he doesn’t have the necessary
skills to succeed at courtship. In most cases there are messes from the past
that you will need to clean up before you can move forward, and oftentimes a wingman
needs to stoke the fire throughout the early stages of the relationship.
Let’s start from the beginning with some scenarios you could
run into. So, suppose your friend has just made another mess at the local malt
shop. In your conceit, you are tempted to bring him right back. At this point
though, you have to remember that your friend is not emotionally stable. What
he really needs are some kind words such as, “Dude, you did your job. You
brought the court, unfortunately she was unable to bring the ship to port.”
Then give him a few days to collect his thoughts.
Another situation you could run into is perhaps your friend
has “come on too strong” with a female. Maybe he saw a female at the malt shop
and was so smitten that he mistook her completely ignoring him as “playing it
cool.” As a result he found her address online, broke into her house, and
played the cello as she walked in. At this point, your friend has breaking and
entering charges as well as a restraining order on his hands. With this in
mind, it is paramount that every wingman be well versed in law so that he can
help his friend out in a jam like this.
A final situation that you could run into is maybe your
friend has the basics of courtship down, but still lacks some of the more
advanced skills. For example, maybe your friend has succeeded at the malt shop
and successfully invited a female over for dinner. At this point he decides to
make his famous mustard hotdish (a layer of tater-tots on the bottom, a two
inch layer of mustard, ground beef, and chopped onions). This is where the
wingman needs to step in and put his culinary skills on display. (I suggest
freshly caught grouper and huckleberry pie.)
Now that we have gone over a few general situations, I would
like to go more into the specifics. As I mentioned before, most wingmen are
arrogant thanks to their own success in the realm of courtship. A wingman with a brash attitude is usually clueless
though. In fact, most supercilious wingmen walk into the malt shop, go up to the first female
they see and say something like, “See that male over there. He said something
about courtship and having a difficult time. Then he told me that he would buy
me a malt if I came with him and got the ball rolling. So, it might be a good
idea if you go over there and talk with him. If it works or it doesn’t, either
way my feelings won’t be hurt. To be honest, I am just here for the free malt.” In some extraordinary situations, having a wingman this inept has elicited the
pity of a female and actually led to successful courtship. To become an elite
wingman though, one will want to use the following plan of attack.
First, as you walk into the malt shop (which is usually a
good place to start unless you want to aim for the extreme ends of the
spectrum, a risky endeavor for any man) you need to turn your focus from malts
to finding a female for your friend. As I have mentioned, you will no doubt
feel tempted to waltz in and approach the first female you see. A better method
though is to sit down, “play it cool” for a while, and just get a feel for the
malt shop scene. (It should be noted that, if done right, “playing it cool” can
sometimes lead to females approaching you and your friend. However, this is a
rare, acquired skill that should not be relied upon.)
Once you have a feel for the vibe of the malt shop, approach
a female and break the ice by bringing up a current event. For example, you
could say something like, “What are your thoughts on the French ambassador to
Canada’s speech last night?” Even if she didn’t hear the speech, she will be
flattered that you have fancied her an intelligent woman. At this point, you
can start to work the magic by saying, “I noticed that your left ring finger is
conspicuously devoid of jewelry. Do you anticipate this to continue in the near
future?” Her answer to this question should let you know if you should abort or
proceed to sealing the deal.
If you need to abort, you didn’t correctly asses the vibe of
the malt shop. So, before approaching another female, sit down with your friend
for a while, “play it cool,” and reassess the malt shop flow. Once you have
your finger firmly on the pulse of the malt shop, take it from the top, and
follow the blueprint in the previous paragraph.
On the other hand, if your assessment of the malt shop was
solid, and you are ready to seal the deal, proceed by saying one of the
following (1) “See my buddy over there. He’s pretty sweet on you,” (2) “See
that chap over there. He is rather smitten by you,” or (3) “See that fellow
over there. He is interested in endeavoring down the road of courtship with
you.” (Make sure to instruct your friend to nod his head back slightly when you
and the female look his way.) As to which of these to use, I suggest going with
your gut. If you truly have your finger on the pulse of the malt shop, you will
know which is best.
At this point the female will sit down with your friend. If
you have correctly prepared him, he will have a strong knowledge of the French
ambassador to Canada’s speech (or whatever current event you chose) and be able
to seamlessly take your place in the conversation. With the conversation
rolling, you will want to give your friend some space. So, go and enjoy a malt
at a table by yourself.
If your friend has followed your instructions correctly, he
will ask the female to dinner. With a “Yes” in hand, he will give you the
signal (I suggest something subtle like having your friend pat himself on the
head). Once you have the signal, you will complete a perfect day at the malt
shop by bringing them one malt with two straws.
With your friend solidly on the road of courtship, you can
ease off the wingman throttle a little and let your friend exercise the
courtship skills that you have bestowed upon him. However, be prepared to jump
into action at a moment’s notice if, for example, you see your friend buying mustard
in bulk.
In conclusion, when acting as a wingman, check your
arrogance at the malt shop door, and remember that courting a female and helping
a friend court a female are completely different. Not only that, make sure that
your culinary skills are sharp, your knowledge of law stout, and in case your
friend encounters a classy woman, it does not hurt to have serviceable cello
skills either. And one more thing, make sure to remind your friend that it’s, “Baby,
you’re so hot, I can’t help but play it cool.”